The song says it all. It's a song that brought me to tears today. It tells us specifically what we are to do, leaving nothing to question .... "Though I cannot see what lies ahead of me, I trust in your great plan. I will be still and know that you are God. I will be still and linger in your presence. For only in you, can I find hope for tomorrow. So I will be still and know that you are God." On some days, that's easier said than done, huh?
As a single mom for most of my girls' lives, (they are now 18 years old and 19 years old - wow, time flies!) it is I who has to be sure the mortgage is paid each month, that the food is on the table, the electric bill is taken care of and they have clothes to wear. I mow the lawn, cook the dinner, wash the dishes, fix the broken toilet and feed the cats. I play taxi cab driver, disciplinarian, cook, nurse, referee, friend, housekeeper and mediator. Yes, it is safe to say that I have been in complete control of everything that goes on around the house for the past 16 years or so. Or have I?
It has occured to me lately, especially since I have lost my job (the income that sustains this family of three), that I am really not in control of anything. I don't know where my next paycheck will be coming from, I don't know how much longer I can pay the mortgage, pay the electric bill, or put gas in the car. The girls and I will lose our health insurance in 30 days.
For the first time in a very long time I feel helpless, and at times, worthless. Which begs the question, where does my worth lie? Is my worth in the job I held? Is my worth in the income I brought home? Was I only worth as much as the amount of food I could buy for my girls or the clothes I was able to purchase for them? Where does my worth lie?
A wise man recently put things into perspective for me. He told me, "Your worth doesn't lie in your job, your worth lies in Christ."
That is an obvious statement to some people I am sure, but when your vision is clouded by worry and anxiety, plenty of people dont think about the obvious, and can't see what is right in front of them.
I won't lie, it is hard for me to give up the control that I "thought" I had. But in reality, God was the one in control all along, all those times I felt comfortable. I was comfortable making a paycheck, paying the mortgage, supplying my girls with what they needed. Yes, I cashed the paycheck, but wasn't it God who gave me that job in the first place? Wasn't it He who gave me the ability to provide for the girls? And now, in His wisdom, He has chosen to remove me from that position. He has chosen to humble me, and remind me how truly dependent I am on Him.
I know that I need to be still, listen, pray and trust in God's great plan, although I cannot see what lies ahead of me. It's scarey to say the least, but it is a test. Will I pass it? The controlling person in me wants to know NOW! WHEN will God provide me with a job? WHERE will God have me working? HOW MUCH will God bless me with? It's a horribly frightening time right now, but it is also a tremendous opportunity for me. An opportunity for me to grow in my relationship with Christ, for me to humble myself before Him, and for me to admit that I am truly helpless without Him. It is a time for me to realize that my worth is not in my job, or my things, or my home, or even my children. My worth is in Him!
It's a daily struggle that I face to let go of my fear and my anxiety. But I do have faith, and I do rest on the assurance that God will provide, perhaps not in my time, but in His PERFECT timing.
Dear Heavenly Father, give me the strength, the trust and the faith to look to you for my worth. Let me be still, and know that YOU are God! Amen.
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